october

october has been so weird for me.

ive felt lost and sad and confused this whole month.

i lost my grandpa and that hurt me so bad. i still get sad when i think about it. ive never had anyone close to me pass. i miss my papi beto.

well my other grandpa is back yet again from mexico i swear he might as well live here. lol. hes so funny.

i cant help but feel bi polar. i cant help but think some thing is gonna go wrong with us. i know i trust him but i think i may just be a little scared too. maybe im looking for reasons not to. ive been so hurt in the past that i cant seem to let myself believe that someone wont hurt me..eventually. im too cynical i guess..maybe, cuz i dont hold on to baggage so it cant be that..
i really just dont wanna end up finding something out.
i dont get too sad over people but that would brake me. hes the only boy that i will ever cry over and i rather just not.
i regret my last txt, so now i have to prepare what im going to say when he wakes up and sees it. well if i never would have said something it would haunt me.

is there such a thing as being too understanding..some of my Friends would have blown up if they were in my shoes.
nah i just know theres nothing to worry about. i trust him he hasn't given me a reason not too. plus it would be hard to hide shit from me.

i need to get over this, i dont know why i feel as if im waiting for something to go wrong. nothings perfect something may, but im scared its one of those things where it cant be fixed wrong.

i need to stop being such a girl and realize that this guys is working his ass off and giving up alot to be with me, i feel kinda guilty sometimes.

not all guys are douches, they just dont think sometimes...

plain and simple.


yea whatever im such a sucker for him. hes such a softie when it comes to me.. :]




maybe im just feeling like im losing everything, losing my grandpa is hard so maybe im scared to lose someone else...

death is complicated.