todo va estar bien

i don't believe we are meant to be alone.
some of us are smart enough to recognize a good thing and hold on to it.
some will regret one little sentence for the rest of there lives.

but if your a good person, love is always close.
we might have been hurt, we might have even hurt others.

but love to so beautiful for it to not happen for you.

we will have it. we will be okay in the end.




dont ever beg for love either.
theres a difference between fighting for someone. and begging them to love you.

in your dreams

ok so i had this dream..
um..im not sure if should even talk about it really.

basically i was laying in bed with a guy who is suppose to be my boyfirend. we're talking as he has his arms on my waist and then he says something to me. that i will not repeat..but its juicy. i then give him this smirk and raise my eye brow and say something equally as juicy to him. then i get up and press my body against his and we start just full on making out. right when it started getting um..interesting my phone rings! it scared me and i jumped up after waking from the dream.
i swear it felt so real i even expected to see someone next to me. i was kinda bummed. who the hell calls someone so early in the morning. ok it was 11, not so early anymore. but still

i couldnt really make his face out, it was blurry but what i can tell you is he had some features that make me think i was making out with KUMAR. yes kumar [his real name is kal penn] from harold and kumar. omg. maybe its cuz ive just seen him in two movies. and the one i had just seen the namesake he did have a make out scene. he had one in harold and kumar too now that i think about it.

i dont know, maybe im in heat...hahah..

nah..

but it was pretty funny. im not gonna lie the most action iv gotten in a long long time..and it was a dream.

but what a dream, that indian boy can kiss. i like boys to be aggressive, WHEN im comfortable with that sort of thing. i dont give the milk for free.

the namesake

i watched this movie "the namesake" and i definitely recommend it.
its basically about this indian couple that are arranged to get married, then move to new york. once they're there the movie focuses on there relationship. the husband lived in new york, but his wife has never left india so everything is completely new to her.
they soon have kids who grow up in this american world seen as just indian kids. the movie focuses more on the son.

its a beautiful movie, i felt very close to the character of the son. i could identify with her struggle to be seen as an american instead of the indian kid. i guess no one understands what its like unless your parents are from another country and your first generation american born. sometimes parents are so use to things being done a certain way, and here in the states its not the same. thats something i constantly struggle with my parents. i get so mad sometimes that they cant just see that we're not in mexico and things are diffrent here.

i hate when people use the term white washed. im mexican and proud of it, but i was born and raised here so its obviously had an effect on me. your race shouldnt be what identifies you, but it should be something that can drive you. i dont like that people use race to chatagorize and seperate all of us. we're people.

but any who...

i love how the movie shows the couple coping in this new country. ive always admired my parents for what they have done, for being brave enought to come to a new country alone with nothing.

but besides the whole cultural aspect of the movie. its just a great story about family, growing up, drifting apart, but always coming back together.

i cried, yea i said it. i did.

heres a trailer.
theres so much more to the movie then they show but take a look anyways.

im falling in love with the summer, and it isnt even here yet

and isnt isnt a word..

so im kinda stressing over school a little right now. i got a call thursday that i dont start till may 12, i was originally told april 28. so okay i call back leave a message, and NEVER get a call back. i then speak to this lady from financial aid and she told me she was told i dont start till may 12 too. so im hella confused so on firday i go downtown to the school. and guess what...
everyone is gone!! shit man. so i have no idea what to do. im just gonna call tomorrow and speak to someone and go from there i guess. i swear i think they fucked me over and im gonna end up missing this term and not start till august. id really hate to miss the first day. so it wont be to bad. i can take 2 classes at the local community college so when i do go in august i wont feel like im so behind. well see i guess...
gr.. lol

my parents are going to a marriage retreat with out church this weekend. i need a break from them..lol
hmm..what to do this weekend. i may be a bum and stay in unless i figure out something good.

and my dads already starting to make plans for 5 de mayo.

its getting hella hot. so hot to the point that i get to lazy to put on make up so i look like a 12 yr old girl every where i go now. so hot that i cant stand being in a car. put its the perfect weather to roll your windows all the way down and wear your hair down and just let in float around.

so i love the drive ins. i paid 6.75 and pigged out and watched 4 movies until 2 in the morning.
harold and kumar was ridiculously funnnny.

i have all these bruises and cuts all over my body. i know im hella clumsy, but i seriously dont know where i got them all. i think i beat my self up at night.

shit.


oh and about the friend. i decided that im not gonna say anything. from what i see they wanna be a good friend. thats all i can ask for i guess.

lost in a diffrent world

what the fuck!
why do people have to be so irresponsible?
its not fair. i get all my shit done and on TIME, and because of other people i have to suffer with them.
its not fair.
so what am i suppose to do sit and wait while some people grow up and i have to be dragged down with them until then.


how do you tell someone that you dont think you can be there friend anymore.
how do you tell someone that you think being there friend is causing trouble.
i see all the distruction and the trouble the person is causing and its effecting everyone in a negative way.
i hate feeling like i have to tip toe around people.
i hate feeling like i cant get the person mad or itll blow up into some huge shit.
i hate feeling like i have to chose sides.
i hate that i cant even be myself around this person.
how do you tell someone that they need to grow up and stop acting the way that they are.
how do you tell them that as much as you love them you refuse to get involved so you rather not even be there for them.
how do you tell them that you hate that they lie, that you hate how they bring you into arguments that have nothing to do with you.
how do you tell them that you are avoiding them.
how do you tell them to just leave you alone, atleast for a while.

i re evaluated relationships in my life once, i thought things would be better. i guess i need to again.

i need new friends.

okay not exaclty i LOVE most of my friend i just wouldnt mind trading a couple..lol

i swear this city is eating me up.
i have to leave san jose.

legends of rock

theres nothing like sitting back and playing a couple rounds of guitar hero.
it realy gets your mind off stuff you dont really want to be thinking about.

dude!! i hate raining blood by slayer. it took me like 7 tries in a row to finally beat it. its a awesome song, its just hard. i got like the worst hand cramp after words. i love that they had muse in it by the way. took me back to the concert with gabe..sick night.

haha, oh i have to tell you [who ever you are] my "bands name". its glasses rok dumb ass. ok its hella funny to me, but it proby makes no sense to you. i dont know how i came up with the idea of glasses rock the masses. then i thought why not glasses rock dumb asses. it would be spelled dumb asses but pronounced du masses. get it? but that was way to long so i ended up just cutting it to glasses rok dumb ass. cuz they do dumb ass! i love my emo thick black purple and pink glasses.

my cousin cristian is suppose to be hella great at guitar hero, ive never seen him play so i guess this weekend hes gonna have to put his money where his mouth is. put up or shut up. lol. oh man i love him..i hope he brings his WII. that thing is so fucking neato!!

dazed and confused

i need to get my eye brows done...


so i start school on monday. i havent been to school in a while. esp a monday thru Friday school. im nervous, but im not sweating it. its from 9 to 1, meaning i gotta stop with this insomnia and get my ass to sleep by 11. almost impossible.

i will be going for 18 months straight!!!! well i get a vacation for Christmas and new years, but that all i know about for sure.

im scared that school will take my life, because on top of school ill be working.

i wont let it eat up my life. im planning to be in south city all summer, since andrea basically threatened my life if i dont. :]

i woke up today at 9, which is already cutting it short for work since i start at 10 and gotta leave my house by no later then 9.45.

but i hit the snooze button either way, and got an extra 10mins to sleep.
i thought that if i just hurried id be fine. i didnt expect to see all this bird shit al over the windows of the car. that cost me like 10mins to clean. and what makes it worse is that i didnt even get it all and was like 7 mins late to work because of it.

i was sitting here in front of my computer and i started to space out. but completely space out, as if i was sleeping with my eyes open.

its strange, i felt like i left my body.

i felt at peace and almost like everything around me just disappeared. my body felt fuzzy and sensitive to touch and sound.

i wonder is this so called life even real? did i just leave this for a while or wake up for even a second from a long dream im just having.

well im at work so i cant really get into that cuz i can go on for hours.

peace

sour cherry

go home its over

dumb ass trick

so my cousin is a douche bag, so be it. all she had to say was that she didnt even want to read the shit my mom had to say to her, and went on to insult us both.

my responce was simple, i called her a stupid ass ignorant bitch cuz she knows she read it and i guess trying to be the bigger person and keep the peace wont work with her. i told her she was a waste of time. her whole life has been she has nothing to show for herself. i told her to never expect anything from us becuase all she is is an oppertunist thats expects everything to be done for her.

i told her i was done with her days ago.

really this shit was GAY. level 10 gay. i mean we had to write back and forth thru myspace cuz the bitch doesnt even have a phone. so i deleted her and blocked her. i realy am just over it.

the end, she isnt my family

deep in my memory

ill bite my lip for as long as i want

porque

so basically my cousin wrote me with hella shit again.

its getting old quick.

all she had to say is that im sheltered and have no life because of it. that i let other people control my life. that i dont understand whats its like to live in the real world. and that my mom runs her mouth to my whole family about them.

my response, well its to much to put on here. but..i told her that just because i dont drugs like her doesnt mean i have a life, and going out all night to get high isnt a life. im not gonna apologize for coming from a good family. my parents have always been there for me, and have always helped me. and now that im older i help them, something she knows nothing about because she only helps herself and she cant even do that. shes selfish.

and as far as her living a life. wow i let her have it. just because she tried to run away got kicked out of the other place stole from work got fired and had to come home doesnt mean she's lived a hard life. she decided to run away. all her mom wants form her is to grow up get a job and act like an adult.

i work for my shit and im damn proud of what i have, to bad she cant say the same.

i may not get high and do all that shit, but that doesnt mean i dont go out and have fun. right not im working and going to school and building a life for myself, im young i have years to party. she obviously doesnt have her priorities in order.

my mom decided to write her, and of course my mom was so nice about it. she said it hurts her to see how horrible she talks about her because she has showed her nothing but love and she hope we can work this out. she even told her one day youll see the truth, and she told her straight up have her mom call her and we can clear this up.

my mom will always love them and be there. but i told her as far as i go shes no one i want in my life. i told her if you ever need something and im the only person you can think to call, dont. she dis respected my mom and that shit ill never forgive. i even said that my parent should have left her ass in mexico. dude they drove all the way to mexico to get her and bring her here and then find the rest of her family a place to live to help them. and to clear shit up i let her know that its her mom that calls everyone in my family bitching so there is no need for my mom to have to say a thing.

i told her one day she'll see the truth, but it will be far to late.

i let her know i was done i asked her to please not respond cuz its all bullshit now.

i dont feel bad at all for my life.
and i know the kind of person my mom is, and that she can never take away with any of her ignorant words.


____________________________________________________________________



im so done with people.

im so tired of feeling used and unappreciated.

when ever they need something im there.

but god forbid something happen cuz they're quick to blame you or attack you.


fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

i guess im just to nice to people, cuz this isnt the first.

why are so many people just so...urg..

why am i such an easy person to attack/ blame, why does it have to be my fault

all i ever do is listen and be there for people

i will not be someone scape goat.

so disappointed.

im so disillusioned right now.
i went from feeling confusion, rage, disgust, to disappointment.

so ima just put it all on here.

my cuzn sent me this message:

yeah so I'm just going to say it straight out, you're a little bitch dude. why the fuck do you have to tell your bitch ass mom everything we talk about? do you know how much fucking drama you just started? all because you have a huge ass mouth. if i tell you shit its cause you're my fucking cousin and you should keep it to yourself but you're a fucking little cunt. seriously i thought you were different than your mom but turns out that you two are both bitches. it just totally sucks that i actually trusted you and thought you were cool. have fun in your pointless sheltered life you stupid fucking whore.

so i immediately write her back this:

wtf are you talking ABOUT. we dont even talk alot. what have i told my mom. the only thing i tell her is that your going to school.

dont call my mom a bitch. cuz you know what even if i did say something its not like im lying. if lifes shit its cuz thats how you made it. and what i may or may not tell her doesnt change what you do. so if you wanna blame me or her so be it. cuz in the end of the day your still doing that same shit that gets you no where and all the drama.

peace

i then went to talk to my mom, and ask her if she has said anything. she said she didnt. and i let her know about the message and my reply. she was so pissed. she just said to let it be because her and her mom have always been this way they blame others for there problem.
i was so pissed at my cuzn id knock out the girl of she were right here. but i wanted to be the bigger person so i kept my reply short. i grew up with her, shes like my sister.

so then after i came back and re read the message i got even madder. dont talk about my mom like that. thats the ultimate respect and im not having it.

so i wrote her again:

have fun in your pointless waste of a life. oh and when your about to get kicked out and have no place to live tell your mom to not call my mom for money. cuz you know that shit gets old. and seriously your dad leaving shit that sucks but seriously anyone would get annoyed of taking care of a person like you who doesnt do shit and is a ungrateful little cunt as stupid prick.seriously how about you do something with your life and grow up and stop having people take care of you.i may be sheltered but at least i dont have to worry about having a place to live and i have everything i could ever want and need. why cuz I WORK FOR IT. my highlight of the day isnt getting stoned and i have a job and i go to school.

and you know what my bitch ass mom is the one that your mom goes crying to . my bitch ass mom is the one your mom goes bitchin to when shes mad about all YOUR stupid shit. my bitch as mom is the one that always helps and sends money.and you know what. i just talked to my mom. she said that she has no idea what your talking about. cuz she hasnt said anything and she was even asking me what i know cuz ive nevere told her anything about you.

so im done. i wash my hand of you. im not going to allow you to even try to bring me down with your lame shit. i have to much going on..as my cuzn ill always love you. but as a person right now i find you ugly. cuz id never think you would be that kind of person.

first i wanna say there are some low blows about her dad and not having a place to live, but if you knew the situation youd understand and use them too. trust me its shit she does. its her not growing up and see things for what they are. she tried to run away all the time never gets a job runs out of money and then just comes home. its her still trying to act like a child when its time to grow up. her mom stresses my whole family out. she doesnt change she doesnt do anything to help her self. she bitched about how we dont care, and tells everyone to leave her alone. but when times are hard she comes crying to my mom and aunts telling them she needs there help. no one has ever turned there back on any of them. but they refuse to see that. and its bull shit.

there was so much more i wanted to say, so many names id want to call her. but i dont want this to blow up even more then it has to.
so i then talked to my friend and he let me know that i havent done anything wrong and if she is going to act that way then i should just let it be. im just so sick to my stomach. to think that she would just come at me like that. she should know me better. if she were to just ask me that would be one thing but she just goes off. and to talk about me whatever i dont care but to talk about my mom. thats asking to start something that she is not ready for.

so after having a long conversation with a friend i send her one late thing.

you know what ive had time to think about shit and what we both said.ill always have love for you as my cousin. but its just hella sad that you would go off on me. i thought as my cousin you would know me better then that.and you talking about me is one thing fine, but you talking about my mom isnt right. my mom has always tried to help you guys. she gives your mom money buys you stuff. i wish you could just see how much we all do care and how much we try to help.but you really hurt me. i dont have anything to ever say to you again. im done wit this and you.my mom and me wish you the best
peace


i feel so hurt. this is one of the worst pains ive felt in such a long time. to come from my family. i guess you cant really trust anyone, and anyone can just stab you in the back.

if i never talk to her or see her again it will be too soon.

are there any good people left. because im starting to think there may not be and just giving up.
im not gonna allow her to affect me and my life. her ignorant words dont shake me or my mom. because we are better then that. shes pathetic and thats all there is to it.

just to see if you can hold 'em

take my sleep

♥

lets cuddle

flash back

so i was on the phone with cynthia, and we just started talking about high school and all our funny stories and the people we knew.

i miss it sometimes.

we then just talked about how much our lifes have changed since leaving high school and where we are now.

its funny how one minute you feel like you have your life figured out and one thing can change all that. how one thing shakes it all and shatters it until your left not knowing anything.

i pranked my ex anthony. hes suck a dork. i never gave him my new number so i thought it would be funny to call him with out blocking my number and pretending to be some girl he meet months ago at a party. i had cynthia just listening in the other line. fuck face never even knew it was me mwahah.. im glad that we were able to put everything behind us and be friends. even though i was never able to give him what he was giving me doesnt mean i didnt care for him. hes a good person. plus his cousin is married to my best friend so its probly better that we can be cool cuz we might have to see each other again one day. south city is a small city man.

i hung out with a friend today, we saw Run Fat Boy Run. so fuuuuuny.
the movie was really cute. basically the guy dennis is still in love with his ex and he runs a marathon to prove to her he has changed. i guess the message is that its never to late if you really love someone to fight for them.
i love the message i do, but one thing i have learned though out the years and failed relationships is that you have to know when to say no. ive become so great at it lately its kinda why im alone. well not alone but single.
sometimes the person your fighting for isnt worth it, or isnt fighting along with you.

i will not be a victim of the one sided love affairs. im the queen on one sided love affairs, by the way. ive loved once, he was a prick. still is. ive been in other relationships where i feel as if they were into it more then me.

is it hard to love someone and get back what your giving. it shouldnt be.


but anyways on a lighter note. my puppy got all his puppy shots. he was so good. he sat quietly and was very playful with everyone that wanted to pet him. everyone loved him and went on and on about how cute he is. yup i got me a cute puppy. hes a half pit half german shepard so hes gonna be huge. aw my love.

i guess ive found the end to my love wowes. animals. lol. im so gonna be that crazy cat lady haha..

lo mejor

today was a good day. a much needed day.

i took care of my cuzn, we goofed around all day. i then spend quality time with my brother being stupid, we pretended to be ninjas.

i washed the car to my load music. washed the dog.

it was so nice. i even fell asleep with him on my lap for a while.

before i washed him i played with him for hours. he attacked his toys chased a soccer ball. my plan was to tire him out cuz he hates being bathed. he cries the whole time.

i sat on the grass and the sun just shined down. it felt so warm. i felt as if my soul was being cleansed. i cant really explain it. it then started to get windy, oh it got so good. i had my hair down at the time and the wind would just move through my body as if it was caressing my skin and my hair was flowing along with the wind, as if it we're dancing it.i was wearing a spaghetti strap so it felt perfect all through my body. for that little while i felt calm. everything was perfect.

those are the days that make you feel alive. that make you realize how good things really are.



i also watch Garden State. i love that movie..bad..but thats a whole nother blog. i dont think i wanna get into that movie and the whole topic right now lol.

night<3
sweet dreams

mask they wear

so....
another "job rant"

all i can say is now i know how it really is there. i know whos real and whos fake. so ericka [who i ♥ and is upfront]called me after work on friday. i told her what john [my boss] said and she straight up said she never said a thing to him. she told me it was probably oanh [the asian skan married man dick sucker] who complained, and because my boss does everything she wants he did what she wanted.

i know she doesnt realy like me, because i dont like her. im not gonna be fake and pretend i think shes so funny. shes the biggest idiot i ever meet. magnets dont stick to plastic! she thinks shes so cute too, your not jessica simpson you fucking smelly cunt.

just because no one likes her doesnt mean that i cant be friends with everyone else. i love those girls through thick and thin.

so after me and ericka talked all i can say is that i have to watch myself cuz now more then ever i know what kind of people oanh and john are. ericka even said she might talk to john on monday because shes really mad that he would use her name. she was thinking about having her sister work there, but after that she said she's going to tell her sister to go somewhere else because she doesnt want to have her sister involved in all their immaturity. she even told me that she would complain about oanh all the time, shes worked with her for 6 yrs and she cant do anything right.
whatever im planning to leave so im trying to not let it get to me. even ericka thinks about leaving.

im just so sick of them, they act like there 16. grow up.

anyways

i saw getting over sara marshall at the drive ins. hella funny!!! i mean laughing out loud almost pee your pants good.
i also saw 10,000bc after, it was good too.

i gotta go wash my puppy and car.

later <3

im addicted

i cant stop blogging!!!

i may not have a way with words and ryhmes but fuck it..


i think something lives in my closet. im about to 21 in august and im STILL afraid of my closet!!!!

you dont understand it makes noises!! im not kidding, would i kid about something as serious as el cucuy? NO

some one save me im scared.

suck it

so i was right. everything does work out in the end. i told my boss i wouldn't come in at all tuesdays, so now i can work with my aunt. ill have my own desk there too! cool i cant wait to put shit up and decorate it. my boss is such a caca about letting me put shit up. i had cool name tags my friends made me, but i had to take them down. also ill be there thursdays. the goal is to leave my job completely and work with my aunt whos planning to pay me very nicely :]

so i dont know if i mentioned that my boss said one of the girls i work with ericka had a complain about me. she says i dont communicate with her and give her no "follow through". i was hurt. i hope she didnt really say it. when i told diva she said that sounded like such a lie. i do things for ericka but i always talk to her about everything. i leave her notes i comment in our system everything i do. im always very vocal with her, when i do ses her. i only see her twice a week. if she did complain about me i think its shady, cuz i have a complain too but i dont say anything. i hate shady people. so i wrote her an email. i straight up just wrote john said you had a complain and i want to know what it is you think i need to improve on. i do like her so i wanted to come off in a nice way. i dont need any kind of animosity at all.

so i guess on monday ill see what she has to say. also i heard that her sister might start working there. so it got me thinking, are they cutting my hours just so they can hire her?

i dont know but i hate shady people, i hate two faced people and i hate liers, and im starting to think my co workers are all of the above. i guess im to nice and ive made it so easy for them to think they can act this way. one thing i can say i may be nice, but i dont let them walk all over me. im not fake about not liking the asian girl. i dont talk to her i dont even say hi to her when i come in. i dont joke with her. im not mean or rude at all, im just not fake. i voice my opinions. thats one thing i guess i learned to do more because of this job. people really will try to walk all over you.

im the kind of person if i dont like you i just distance my self. i dont make it knows i dont feel the need to tell the world or talk shit. i just will avoid you. im not fake about it. im a very respectful person, ill always be nice to you as long as you can be nice to me. once i feel like someone is realy being immature or disrespectful then im not going to waste my time. ill then tell you straight up i dont care for you and thats it.

something else i hate is when people try to put you in the middle of there fights, esp when you have nothing to do with it. ive never had that happen till now. honestly i live a very chill life and once i feel like someone is trying to stir shit up i cut them out. ive cut some people out of my life for that reason. i distance myself. i dont want to get involved. im the kind of person thats friends with everyone, so i hate when people force me to choice sides. i wont ever do that. as a friend im there to listen and give advise, but dont drag me into it.

i realy CANT stand drama. there are people who say they hate it, but secretly love it. i avoid it.

so my pup has a habit of head butting everything! hes something else...

B.Y.O.B

im hoping that the summer and the change in the weather will bring a change in me.

i hope that the summer will surprise me with something good.

im expecting alot from it, but not enough to be let down.

i told someone that my life was getting as bad as it can get with out being completely horrible. but i take that back. its rocky but its my life and i see it as something beautiful.

i tried to take my pup out for a walk he got scared i basically carried him around.

simple pleasures <3

dreadful

so to keep it short, my boss cut my hours.

yes im pissed to say the least. it was such crap. so i get a txt from diva. she tells me her boss talk to her and i knew when i walked in my boss was going to have a talk with me. he gave me these bs reasons as to why he feels the need to cut my hours. i guess the company isnt making money. i tried so hard to just bite my tongue. there was so much i could have said. everything he said was stupid, i had about 10 things he does wrong for every one he gave me and he only gave me two examples. he is so inconsistent, i dont see him acting professional at all, im way more professional then he is and im half his age. i mean come on. what really got me was that he said that some customers have complained about how im not professional. thats such bull. they prefer to talk to me then you!! he even had a lady tell him to his face that i do a better job at helping people then he does. i have people thanking me and complementing me all the time about how nice and helpful i am. ive never heard that in my life.

i also thought it was so lame that he couldnt even look me in the eye while he said all this. i looked him in the face the whole time and not once did he even look at me.

i just thought it was lame that he wouldnt even give me a warning, he just cut them.

i think part of it might be that im almost sure he heard me say i was looking for a new job. ever since i said that kinda out load when i thought he wasnt in the office hes been on my case. also i know for a fact he over heard me complain about how un organized he and that other girl are with the money they collect from the customers. and that just happend yesterday, so that could have been one of the reasons he decided to cut them. it just doesnt make sense, ive worked there for almost 2 yrs and finally know he has complains..strange

all i kept telling myself was dont say anything you need him as a referral for my application. i do alot and ive worked there for a while so i need him to be able to say good things and to use him..lol..thats what was way more important. i almost said something a couple of times. and just knowing how dramatic he is and childish i dont need the drama, so i just kept silent. hes the kind of person that will blame everything on one person. and when ever something happens its because of that person. and since i was hired to cover for the last person i guess with out knowing it i became that person.

on tuesdays i work about 5 hrs and hes cutting that day and thurdays i work 8 and hes cutting that in half. its fine cuz my aunt said i can come work with her on tuesdays and thursadays and she would pay me more. shes a loan officer kinda thing.
so ima tell him thursdays ill do 10 to 2 and tuesdays i wont be coming cuz its not worth the gas.


its so lame cuz on my way to work i was trying to be so positive. i told myself that i wasnt going to let anything mess with my positive energy, good karma and chi.

well he basically shit all over that.

but thats okay. cuz i think everything happens for a reason, so im hoping something better will come up because of this.

in less then 2yrs ill be all done with school and doing the ultra sound thing. itll be tight son.lol. ill be getting paid nice and doing something i like and of coarse meeting men..lol!!!!


so fuck em'


<3

take me

i feel lost.
i feel stressed.
i feel hurt.
i feel alone.


its so weird for me to get like this. im usually so happy and up beat about things. but lately somethings been getting to me. i know its more then just my job.

i realized that im missing something. its hard to pin point what exactly. i feel like i lost something.
i need an escape fast.

i miss my friends alot.

i miss myself.


so i promised andrea and cynthia id go and visit them in south city [south san francisco just in case you dont know]. and since they dont hang ima have to go alot to see them separately.

maybe thats what im missing. im missing my city.

i dont know.

these are the night that make me want to crawl out of my window, wit a bottle and just sit and watch the night.

ive decided i need to be more honest and more open with my feelings. i guess i use to think that if i opend up completely about my feeling about being hurt it would show as weakness. but what ive come to realize it that its weak to have to hide something, and brave to just put it all out on the table. i then came to realize it wasnt that i was scared or weak, its that i needed to protect myself. no one else is going to watch out for me.

i dont want people to think that i pretend to be strong, i am. ive had to become strong. i dont what poeple to think twice about what ive said. ive meant it. its like a puzzle missing some pieces, i didnt place it all on the table, if you will.

but starting now i will. so for what ever is to come i will be honest to myself and everyone involved.

ive had to fight for myself, and i refuse to let it mean nothing. i refuse to lose any kind of identity i gained.

come save me.


i should save myself, and not rely on anyone one else to do it

but the help would be nice.

the hell with being polite

ok ok

so ive said it once and ill say it again, i HATE my job. at first it was like i hate it, but i didnt mind it. it wasnt like i would wake up and just think to myself shit do i really have to go?

but i do now! at first i thought maybe the lack of sleep was getting to me. i still think it might be. but its beyond that. ive been there for like 2 yrs in august. i think ive been there long enough to have formed a valid opinion. and i hate it.

my boss is soooo un professional, its re tod ed. and his dick sucking groupie bitch is dumb! at first it was funny and id try so hard not to laugh but its annoying now. 60 plus 10 is not 80!!!! arg!!!


im tired of feeling like they make me do everything, im tired of being under appreciated for what i do. what a trend that even at work it follows me.

its dumb, people tell me they rather talk to me then my boss. what the hell kind of bull shit is that! im 20 i do this part time and this is suppose to be his "career" jeeeeez.

so like always when ever something goes wrong he send me an email about it like its my fault, cuz its never his fault or his sluts. then since i have the balls ill go to him and its usually like always her so i have to tell him that she did it and i have no idea and he'll fix it all nice for her.
its gay. she yells at him!! she fuckin throws fits like shes 2 and thinks so owns the fuckin place. its sickening.

so back to the emal. he fuckin emailed me that im not selling a lot of policies and he isnt making money so me may cut my hours. oh sorry, my fuckin bad. i thought my job was customer service. i guess i should do what he does ignore the clients and never call anyone back and be a greedy like bitch. fuck them i gotta make that cash.

its so revolting!

i swear i read that and i got so angry. i thought i might cry out of anger and stress. i swear i was so close to walking into his office and just saying i quite and leaving just like that. but i need a job so i bite my tounge and just kept working.

im done, once i find something im out. no 2, 1 week notice. im just bouncing.

if i were a bitch id report his and her ass and get them fired. but im not but god i want to bad.
the things i have to deal with. they're so high school. shes like 24 and hes like 40.ew. grow up please. hes married too ill add...

i swear ima slap some pink onto his black ass face, and if that asian whore loves black so much i can give her some color too..

i dont mean to be racist im not, but arg!!!
okay ill make a mexican joke just to be fair. um...they clean houses..i dont know. im not in a mood for this. also quick not just in case you didnt know im mexican :]



so i haaaate this.

it takes alot i mean alot for me to hate anyone or something so much. but i can say i truly hate it. that places just gives off so much bad energy, its horrible. im a positive person and i cant be there any more.



ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

has it come to this

i really dont know if im the blogging type. im not the kind of person to get all personal on something so public.

i have issues with opening up completely. i think its because i have an issue with being completely honest to myself sometimes.

its so much easier to say you dont care and try so hard to not care, then just be honest about how hurt you are.

if ive learned anything from past relationships its that i am the queen of one sided love affairs.

ive only loved once and it didnt work out. 2 years and this is where i am now. its fine, im fine with it ending. i got to say my peace my have a nice life dont contact me anymore. he was no good for me and i was too addicted to his love, while he was an addict for the drama. i cant say it was all him i know i had my issues as well, i remember he even telling me that he didnt think i really loved him. i had been so hurt i built a wall that was causing me to push him away and that wasn't what i wanted, at all.

so then after moving on, i become the person that goes into relationships with such hope and ending up having to be the one to end them. i feel like i havent been able to give back what ive been getting and hurting people along the way.

i feel like the one time i gave love i didnt get it back the way i expected. and every time ive been given love i had none to give in return.

ive been told twice by two different guys that "im to young and naive to appreciate a good thing" and yea basically...

so i figured they were right. i kinda gave up on love for a long time. i even fooled myself into thinking the one person i did love changed and this time it would be real..



so here i am now..

i felt as if i was melting away and my heart was the first to go.

i tried so hard to just cry, to just let it out. but my eyes wouldnt let one tear even form. my stomach hurts, im guessing this is the the usual first step right before that first tear is about to drop.

so i dont cry its not a big deal, i know some guys have had an issue with that. it doesnt mean i dont care i just cant cry.

but any who...


after much reflection and many good byes this is what i am finally left with.


my heart is one again. and its because ive given myself enough love to put it back together. im hopeful for that one person i can truly love. because i feel like after much struggle i am ready for it. i want it so bad. but ive made peace with myself, and that was the last step in regaining everything that i had lost.



so come find me love im waiting..come surprise me cuz i got something to show ya :]

but you can take your time, no rush...im young i got time



<3

these are the days

that make me feel good.

i went to the park with my cuzns cocos, ceci and anthony. it was so nice. they rode their bikes and i attempted to skateboard all the way to the park, i stumbled alot lol.

it was just so chill. i miss just going to the park and acting like a kid. i love sitting on that swing and trying to see how high i can go. i love how the four of us started playing "monster" and we ended up playing with like 4 other kids too.

the park is so care free to me. whatever big people problems i have just seem to melt away.

it was hot as hell tho. i got all sweaty running around.

but yea loved riding the bikes/ skating/ and being a kid at 20 :]

i really gotta do that more often.

cuz im a dirty girl

damn dude i hate my job. its starting to really annoy me. i really am under paid for what they have me doing and what i have to put up with. im suppose to be working right now, but my boss isnt here and that damn asian girl that thinks is my boss isnt here either. so ima take a break

and blog like the gish fag bag that i am..lameo!

omg check this out:



do work. i dont watch the show unless its on, but you have to love this.

reppin' the dirty girls from san fran to san hoe!

Hello world

sup kids :]

so this is my first official blog, what to talk about? hmmm..

i guess i can start off with what i just told gabe "fuck a boy all i need is my favorite song"

i feel like everyone around me is happy in a relationship, and im happy for everyone really.

i just feel left out at times because of it, but at the same time i really dont want a serious relationship. its something i decided back in november. i obviously didnt listen to my own advise. im the kind of person that just goes with the flow, i try not to stress over it or even give it much thought. if it happens it happens. of not then fiiiine my firend.

im so use to having someone in my life that when i dont i miss it, i miss having someone to talk to late at night. someone to run home to excited cuz the funniest thing happened and i have to tell him.

at the same time im very independent and its not something i need. i dont define happiness as being with some one. im not dumb if i really wanted a boyfriend or a guy around i could. its not difficult, ive already turned some down. i just dont simple as that.

im at a point where i know what i want and i wont deal with bullshit. so i rather really wait for something good then just take whatever comes first, not that i ever have.

i make myself happy music makes me happy so alone or with someone im happy.

right now im obsessed with "9 in the afternoon" by panic at the disco.
i really have never liked them but there new cd is actually good. weird to say.

so all i need is that song and im soo good.


ill write some more later, its 1.16 and i got work at 10! damn

peace
Denisse