has it come to this

i really dont know if im the blogging type. im not the kind of person to get all personal on something so public.

i have issues with opening up completely. i think its because i have an issue with being completely honest to myself sometimes.

its so much easier to say you dont care and try so hard to not care, then just be honest about how hurt you are.

if ive learned anything from past relationships its that i am the queen of one sided love affairs.

ive only loved once and it didnt work out. 2 years and this is where i am now. its fine, im fine with it ending. i got to say my peace my have a nice life dont contact me anymore. he was no good for me and i was too addicted to his love, while he was an addict for the drama. i cant say it was all him i know i had my issues as well, i remember he even telling me that he didnt think i really loved him. i had been so hurt i built a wall that was causing me to push him away and that wasn't what i wanted, at all.

so then after moving on, i become the person that goes into relationships with such hope and ending up having to be the one to end them. i feel like i havent been able to give back what ive been getting and hurting people along the way.

i feel like the one time i gave love i didnt get it back the way i expected. and every time ive been given love i had none to give in return.

ive been told twice by two different guys that "im to young and naive to appreciate a good thing" and yea basically...

so i figured they were right. i kinda gave up on love for a long time. i even fooled myself into thinking the one person i did love changed and this time it would be real..



so here i am now..

i felt as if i was melting away and my heart was the first to go.

i tried so hard to just cry, to just let it out. but my eyes wouldnt let one tear even form. my stomach hurts, im guessing this is the the usual first step right before that first tear is about to drop.

so i dont cry its not a big deal, i know some guys have had an issue with that. it doesnt mean i dont care i just cant cry.

but any who...


after much reflection and many good byes this is what i am finally left with.


my heart is one again. and its because ive given myself enough love to put it back together. im hopeful for that one person i can truly love. because i feel like after much struggle i am ready for it. i want it so bad. but ive made peace with myself, and that was the last step in regaining everything that i had lost.



so come find me love im waiting..come surprise me cuz i got something to show ya :]

but you can take your time, no rush...im young i got time



<3